Friday, May 2, 2008

Spring storage inventory in 20 steps


By CHRIS MILLSPAUGH

Time to clean out the storage area. It's spring. Have you done that yet? I did it yesterday and it became a day of reflection, shock and awe:

Step One: Spent four hours looking for the storage room key.

Step Two: Unlocked storage room door.

Step Three: Received minor lacerations and bruises from the impact of items stored in the storage room bursting forth onto my face.

Step Four: Separated contents into four distinct piles: clothes, sacred memorabilia, old magazines and newspapers and, lastly, must-save important documents and papers that I absolutely can never throw away.

Step Five: Threw away all must-save important documents and papers which, on closer inspection, proved to be worthless and obsolete.

Step Six: Made cocktail and quaffed it.

Step Seven: Tried on all clothing and threw away all that didn't fit until there were none worth saving.

Step Eight: Carried all clothes that didn't fit (everything) and placed them in the back seat of my car.

Step Nine: Made another cocktail and shot it.

Step Ten: Spent two hours going through sacred memorabilia, plunging myself into a state of guilt and total despair.

Step Eleven: Prepared third cocktail and toyed with it.

Step Twelve: Burned all sacred memorabilia while laughing hysterically as I slammed down the third cocktail.

Step Thirteen: Attacked boxes of old magazines and newspapers, savored the memories and loaded the entire collection into the Dempsey-Dumpster.

Step Fourteen: Called family and friends and apologized to everyone.

Step Fifteen: Mixed fourth cocktail.

Step Sixteen: Went through home, set aside treasures I wanted to keep and created new storage items.

Step Seventeen: Separated treasures I wanted to keep into four distinct piles: clothes, sacred memorabilia, old magazines and newspapers and must-save important documents and papers that I absolutely can never throw away.

Step Eighteen: Cocktails!

Step Nineteen: Crammed four distinct piles of treasures into storage area.

Step Twenty: Threw away key.

I am now ready for another year. Nice ... whatever.




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