Friday, August 13, 2004

The Arrogance and the Ecstasy

The Way I See It


by Chris Millspaugh


Scene: Retail shop in Ketchum. Mid-week, 4:55 p.m.



Tourist: ?Could I get a little help, here??

Local Clerk: ?What do you want??

Tourist: ?Some assistance??

Local Clerk: ?What do you want??

Tourist: ?I?d like to see your scarves.?

Local Clerk? ?We don?t have any scarves.?

Tourist: ?Oh, yeah, what?s that then?? (Pointing to a chair behind the coun-ter.)

Local Clerk ?That?s my scarf?.

Tourist: ?How much you want for it??

Local Clerk: ?It?s not for sale.?

Tourist: ?Everything?s for sale.?

Local Clerk: ?Not me.?

Tourist: ?Oh, really? I?ll give you $20 for the scarf right now.?

Local Clerk: ?No.?

Tourist: ?No??

Local Clerk: ?No.?

Tourist: ?Okay, $25.?

Local Clerk: ?No.?

Tourist: ?What are you, David Spade??

Local Clerk: ?No.?

Tourist: ?Okay, never mind, where?s your bathroom??

Local Clerk: ?Patrons only.?

Tourist: ?Okay, I?ll buy the scarf.?

Local Clerk: ?No.?

Tourist: ?Look, I gotta? go. I?ll buy some gum.?

Local Clerk: ?We don?t have any gum.?

Tourist: ?Hey, whatever, I?ll take that pen.?

Local Clerk: ?That?s my pen.?

Tourist: ?I?ll take that map, then.?

Local Clerk: ?It?s free and that?s not a purchase.?

Tourist: ?How about that soda??

Local Clerk: ?Mine.?

Tourist: ?Keys??

Local Clerk: ?Store?s.?

Tourist: ?Wallet??

Local Clerk: ?Mine.?

Tourist: ?I need to use the bathroom before it?s too late!?

Local Clerk: ?Late? What time is it?

Tourist: ?Five-Oh-Five.?

Local Clerk: ?Gotta? go. Closing time!?

Tourist: ?You close at 5 in the sum-mer??

Local Clerk: ?I have a life, too.?

Tourist: ?Hey, come on, you?re closed now. Let me use the bath-room!?

Local Clerk: ?Look, I?m going across the street to the bar. Come with and use their facilities.?

Tourist: ?All right, all right.?

Local: ?Come on, I?ll buy you a cocktail.? (Locking the door and turning off the lights)

Tourist: ?Well, that?s nice of you.?

Local: ?Hey, it?s a friendly town.? (Crossing the street)

Tourist: ?Uh, what?s that guy doing in the middle of the intersection??

Local: ?He?s an undercover cop.?

Tourist: ??.and the guy on the cor-ner??

Local: ?Secret Service.?

Tourist: ?The guy over there letting the air out of the tire on that Fire Truck??


Local: ?That?s the Mayor?.Oh, here we are, let?s go greet the locals.?

Tourist: ?Hey, that lady just told me to shove it!?

Local: ?First Lady?.Cocktails?!?

I LOVE this town, Nice talking to you.




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