Idaho Mountain Express: Awkward moments at Thanksgiving

Friday, November 18, 2011

Awkward moments at Thanksgiving

By CHRIS MILLSPAUGH

Thursday is Thanksgiving. As Jon Stewart says, "I celebrated Thanksgiving in the old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house where we all had an enormous feast. Then I killed them and took their land." A little strict, I would say; however, there are those moments we all could encounter at this truly American holiday this coming week:

Aunt Violet pulls you aside and tells you a secret about cousin Betty, and then cousin Betty pulls you aside and confides in you about the very same secret. Grandpa pulls you aside and leaves you because he forgot what he was going to say. Later, at the dinner table while making idle chatter, you inadvertently reveal the secret about Betty to the entire gathering of family and friends. Everyone gasps except Grandpa who says, "That's what I was going to say."

Uncle Harry's fly is open and because of your earlier faux pas at the table, you are assigned to tell him. You try:

"The cucumber has left the salad."

"Sailor Bob is trying to take a little shore leave."

"The Buick is not all the way in the garage."

"Elvis has left the building."

"Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction."

Nothing works and everyone is called back to the table for dessert. Right after the second helping of ice cream and cream pie, you remember that you are lactose intolerant and have a gastric attack that clears the table and the entire dining area.

As you leave at the front door, Uncle Harry has changed into a Penn State sweatshirt and wants to go with. Grandpa is facing the drapes and is talking to no one in particular and you kiss your date on the cheek and slip your hostess the tongue.

I should have killed them and taken their land.

Nice talking to you.

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