Wednesday, August 24, 2011

I love you: ‘Te quiero’ or ‘Te amo’?

Neighbors/Vecinos


By Veronica Hoyos Leonard

I am in a new relationship with a handsome, dark, tall man from L.A. The first time he called me "darling" it made me cringe. The term darling means "querida," which means mistress in Mexico. To avoid any misinterpretations, I asked him to change darling for "mi amor."

Spanish words, my native language, sound more real, especially when we talk about feelings. I have been in many international meetings and when the business discussions become emotional, without warning, the Latin people in the group involuntarily switch the conversation to Spanish. We don't try to be rude; it is that we express our emotions better in our mother language. I had a student who asked me to teach him how to understand what was going on when the company meetings in Costa Rica turned emotional. It is very difficult; you almost need to be a native speaker. The same happens when we are in situations of great stress, like in an emergency room. The mother language comes first.

Because we express our emotions better in our mother language, the words "I love you" have a weak impact on me. They lack emotion and are too general. In English, we use love for almost everything and everybody—there is no distinction. In Spanish, and this applies for Spain and all the countries in Latin America, we have different words to express different levels or rankings of love. "Te quiero" (from the verb "querer") is the lower level of loving; and "te amo" (from the verb "amar") is the higher level of loving.

I use the words "te quiero"—or the lower level of loving—for my friends, my parents and my sisters and brothers. A man can say to another man "te quiero" without fear of losing his masculinity, although it is rare that they say these words to each other. It is more common for a woman to say "te quiero" to another woman. We never say "I love french fries" or "I love my car." For this we use the words "me encanta," which can be translated as love or delighted, like "we are delighted with the house."

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I also use the words "te quiero" when I am dating someone and the feelings are just evolving. I need to be careful at this stage of the relationship—I cannot use the word "te amo" too soon or I may scare him off. There is a popular Argentinean Diet Coke TV commercial titled "La vida es como la tomas" ("Life is how you take it") in which the main character asks a young, good-looking couple who are embracing each other to raise their hand if they said the words: "Te amo" on the first week of dating. Next, they show the couple and the guy's face in a state of total panic. This is because the words "Te amo" are not said until the feelings in the relationship are deep and committed.

Even though Coca-Cola has used the words "Te amo" in more Spanish TV commercials, "Te amo" sounds cheesey or outdated in public. "Te amo" is a word used during intimate moments with your soul mate. Use "Te amo" for intense situations from the bottom of the heart. "Te amo" expresses intense love and passion while "Te quiero" expresses affection and love.

There is a popular song called "El Amar y El Querer" in which the songwriter explains the difference between both feelings. It says that most of us know how to love ("querer") but few know how to love ("amar"). The person who loves ("amar") cannot think, gives everything; the one who loves ("querer") wants to forget and never cry. The "querer" can end soon; the "amar" knows no end.

The love "amar" is the sky and the light and wholeness. It is an endless ocean. The love "querer" is to seek the dark corner to kiss, to bite, to scratch, to let the passion out with momentary desire.

Now you know the difference between "Te quiero" and "Te amo." If you are feeling the higher level of emotion for your partner, go home this evening, cook a nice meal for your lover and tell him/her the words "Te amo" with Latin passion.

Chilean poet Pablo Neruda said, "Conocer el amor de los que amamos es el fuego que alimenta la vida." "To know the love of those we love is the fire that feeds our life."




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