I woke up with an overall uneasy feeling. There was tightness in my chest, my left arm and the left side of my jaw. It must have been something I ate. Some would say, "Aren't those some classic signs of a heart attack?" No, not if you're in denial. When you're in denial, you blame it on last night's dinner. "Aw, it was just something I ate." You take a swig of Pepto Bismol, a couple of Sominex, turn over and go back to sleep.
Sure enough, the next morning you feel fine, shower, dress and drive to work. Two hours later, you think it might be wise to have things checked out at the local hospital. You enter the emergency entrance, grin sheepishly, sign in and mutter, "It's probably just something I ate."
An hour later, after a battery of tests, the doctor on duty delivers the results. "Well, you had a heart attack." "No way!" "Yes, it's true. I notified your physician and he says to get you to a cardiologist." "OK, wheel me over to Cardiology." "That would be in Boise." I'm driving?" "You're flying." Let's sing.
A pal of mine who had come over for support struck up a show tune, I joined in and we made our way to the helicopter. It was time for the Life Flight to Boise which we sang, of course, to the tune of the Midnight Train To Georgia. Wait a minute. Didn't I do this in 2003?
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I implored the 'copter team to join me in a chorus from the theme from "MASH" but they seemed fairly focused and settled down to the task of getting me to St. Alphonsus as quickly as possible. I opted for a small sedative and the next thing I knew I was being wheeled into the Critical Care room, hooked up to a variety of machines and groomed for an angiogram in a matter of minutes.
My doctor came in and said, "Hello, I'm Doctor Writer." I said, "Hello, I'm a writer who is a doctor." "It looks like you suffered a heart crisis back in Ketchum?" "Oh, it was probably just something I ate." He explained the procedures and off we went to the operating room.
I have no idea what happened in there but there was a tube sticking out of my groin area when I returned to my room. It was just a month ago that I had a colonoscopy that invaded my rear section, an endoscopy that went down my throat and now they've gone for my groin. Come on! The Internal Revenue Service got me for a bundle, I've got 'copter fees and doctor's and hospital bills. I'll be out of work for a while and now they've gone for the groin. And all because of something I ate!
I remained there for the next two days chatting on the phone with friends and families and not remembering a word of what was said. One night a large robot entered my room straight out of "Lost in Space," a 1950s TV show. It was being controlled by that Doctor Writer from his home. I know that it was real. Many say that it was probably just something I ate. Whatever. I'm tired of heart problems. Watch what you eat, folks.
Nice talking to you.
