Friday, January 14, 2011

Cold


By CHRIS MILLSPAUGH

Usually about this time in January when the temperature hits 13 below zero, I lose it and go on a rant about the cold. Well, not this time because I've matured and have grown wiser. Okay, it's cold, deal with it, put on the long underwear and press on.

How about that BCS Championship Game on Monday night in Arizona? You know what I think? I think that the Boise State Broncos could have whipped either one those teams...even with Brotzman playing. Oh! Now that was a little cold, wasn't it? But not as cold as I am sitting in my car in the garage waiting for the 26-year-old vehicle to start. Come on... come on ... I'm dying here! Come—oh, it started. I love this car! Now, I'll just back out and get ready to hit the highway.

And, speaking of Arizona, how about that horrible massacre at that grocery? That was the most cold-blooded ... I'm stuck in a snow bank! I'm freezing and I can't move! Wait, I'll just rock the car back and forth and—I'm free! I'm cold, but I'm free! I'm on the highway and headed for work and the D.J. on the radio tells me it's cold. It's 13 below zero! Now, he's talking about a cruise ship in the Caribbean, where the sun is blazing down. Sun! My son can't paint houses in this cold when it's 13 below zero. That's why the unemployment rate is so high in this county. It's too frickin' cold to work!

I'm so glad I have a job, and I'm turning right into the parking lot, and I keep going -- sliding -- missing the turn and I'm into a huge bank of ice and snow, and I'm frickin' cold! I'm digging out the car now, and I'm freezing and I'm sneezing and I'm getting a cold because it's too frickin' cold! I'm free from the snowbank, and I'm going into the parking lot and parking my car and none of my co-workers are here. They're not here because it's too cold! But, I can handle it because I'm older and wiser now. You know what else I am? I'm cold.

Nice freezing with you.




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