Friday, December 10, 2010

The Christmas Rehearsal

Express Staff Writer

"All right, kids, simmer down now and listen to the directions! OK, let's have the snow fairies over here on my right and the dancing sugar plums on my left! Frosty! Frosty, let go of the elf and stop burning the SNRA tree permit! No, no, no, Mrs. Santa, I do not consider that proper attire! Now, let me have the tiny reindeer over by the chimney and ... what are you supposed to be, Johnny? A credit card? No, I don't think so. Get into the hope costume and go hold hands with charity over by the star from the North! In this lifetime!

"All right, let me see the friends remembered! Fine. Your places are over there by the big heart! Quickly, now! We've got to get this all blocked by nigh-nigh time! Now, bring on the fried nest eggs and the WikiLeaks! Good! Stand over there in the dark by the fog machine with Scrooge! All right, I want all the Christmas cards over there by the good tidings! Not so fast, Tiny! You belong over there with the Cratchits and the orphans!

"Now, who's got the baby Jesus? Where's the baby Jesus, people? Well, find him because we really need him in this production this year! Ralph, could you just stop with the licking of the snowballs? You don't know where they've been!

"All right, places, everybody! Start the music and cue Santa and the unemployed! No! No bathroom breaks right now! Well, just hold it! Music up—that's right, come on in downstage! OK, get the job opportunities marching in step! And now bring on the past loves and the lost opportunities! There should be three of you! That's right, Woulda', Shoulda' and Coulda'! You all line up here in back of me! Let's get through this, people! The town really needs us this year! Curtain up! Cue the lights! Five, six, seven , eight, kick-turn and ...

Nice talking to you.

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