Friday, July 30, 2010

There's a squirrel in my car

Express Staff Writer

"We've had a squirrel in our car for the last four days. It's in our food sack in the trunk and has been there since we left Topeka. Can you help us get it out?"

"Is there any food left? Why don't you just throw it out?"

"Litter? Are you of all people telling us to litter?"

"Well, no, but you could empty out the food sack, release the squirrel and then put the contents back."

"I don't know. The kids have named it "Fluffy." Don't you have an animal removal service here?"

"Gee, the Fish and Game Department are really busy now picking up wildlife that has been injured on the roads."

"Can't you call somebody?"

"All right, just a second." (Takes out cell phone and dials a number.) "Hello, is this "Squirrel Sequesters? Call me back."

"Squirrel Sequesters?"

"Yeah, cause to withdraw into seclusion - to remove or set apart."

"I know what sequester means, but what does that have to do with squirrels?"

"This is a service that does just that to squirrels." (Ring) "Hello? Oh, thanks for getting back to me. $135.00? Ten minutes? Ok, the party nodded his head. See you soon."

(Ten minutes later, a pick-up truck arrives and two men dressed in Levis, baseball caps and t-shirts that say "The Casino" on the front step out with a bag of nuts and a net.) "Where's the squirrel?"

"It's in the trunk over there...nice uniforms."

"You got the $135?"

"Yes, just remove it!"

The men open the trunk, throw some nuts beside the sack, the squirrel comes out and jumps into the waiting net.

"It's sequestered. $135."

"Here you go. Come on, family, let's get moving!"

"What about Fluffy?"

"Fluffy had to go, kids...and so do we," (Car takes off.)

"Okay, that's $45 apiece. I'll call you again."

"It's good to have a job in the valley."

"Nice talking to you."

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