Friday, April 2, 2010

They Know


By CHRIS MILLSPAUGH

Please enter your social security number. ***-**-****.

Now enter your date of birth—two numbers for the month -**, two numbers for the day -**, four numbers for the year-****.

Please stand by: (Music ... tax tips ... promotion ... more music.

(20 minutes later) Hello, this is Matthew, could you please give me your full name, date of birth, address and social security number?

Christopher Abbett Millspaugh.

Go ahead.

I believe you know the rest.

Why does everybody think we know the rest?

I just gave it to you.

Not the address.

You know you have it. You write to me all the time.

Oh, yeah. (pause)

Hello?

Yes, did you have a question? Oh, wait a minute. How did Hank's benefit go last week?

I beg your problem?

And your roomie, Steve—how's that workin' out for him at The Casino?

Hey, I don't ...

So, no more workin' weekends until Memorial Day weekend, eh?

Now, just a minute!

I see where you just read "Star," the Warren Beatty bio. How'd you like it?

Hey, look ...

How's that Preparation H cream doin' for ya?

Say, hold on ...

Obama guy, huh?

You can't ...

Got the door latch on the Caddy fixed, have you?

How did ...

Now, what was your question?

Uh, I'm moving. Who do I report that to?

Well, you could tell me.

I don't think so. Nice talking to you. (Click!)




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