I've been feeling the cold lately and have decided to do something about it. I want to be comfortable this winter and I don't feel like shivering when I don't have to shiver. (He's an older man.) So, this is what I'm going to do.
First, I'm going to seal every opening in the home insuring that no cold air will penetrate the domain. Many stuffed animals that I have bought for my grandchildren for the holidays will not be sent; rather, they will selfishly be utilized for my benefit and stuffed unceremoniously into cracks and crevices that threaten to allow in the frozen air.
Next, I'm going through all my "cold fat" clothes selecting all the fleece and woolen ones I can put my hands on. Layers are the key and I'm not above wearing six, seven sweaters or sweat shirts over one another. Throw in some long underwear, two or three woolen socks, some mukluks, a cap and top off with a huge bathrobe over it all, tightly cinched at what was once my waist.
Now, it's time to select the warm liquids to get me through the next five months. An urn full of chicken soup will be on the stove set at low, stirred every hour and replenished every evening. Hot drinks such as tea, cocoa, Pepsi and Mountain Dew warmed to a temperature of 90 degrees will remain on call.
Large dogs and cats will be rented for the cold nights and placed on my lap in front of the fireplace. There, hot bricks will be heated to use for warmth on my bed, which will be surrounded by six sturdy electric heaters.
Let's check outside. The entire structure in which I live will be fortified by bales of hay stacked up to the windows. Outdoor animals such as rabbits and goats will be transferred from the porch to the abandoned car down the street. Chipmunks will be trained to deliver seeds and nuts to the back door. And I'm not above befriending a moose and feeding him so that he will hang around the front door until the end of March.
Finally, remember if you're in bed, no one gets up to use the bathroom until dawn.
Bundle up, quit your job and stay inside. Isn't this why we moved here?
Nice talking to you.
