From: Tom Turkey
What is the big deal about picking on turkeys every year? Who did we upset so much, to put us in this "hot" predicament year after year? I have a few ideas on this subject I would like you to consider before you make your shopping list for Turkey Day (see, you even have me believing that Turkey Day and Thanksgiving are synonyms!).
To start things off, who can really trust history? I mean, did Columbus really "sail the ocean blue" to discover America? What if our fabled historians just had a bad case of Alzheimer's? Makes you start to think, doesn't it? Maybe that big feast with the pilgrims and Indians had a big, fat chicken on the table. We do sort of look alike don't we?
Speaking of chickens, they have their own viewpoint on this touchy subject, and of course it doesn't agree with ours. But why would it, their lives could be one "chop" away from a roasting pan like ours. Those chickens make a good defense for themselves. "We're eaten every day of the year, not just one, so get over it!" is a common viewpoint shared by most chickens. And of course, most of those chickens, especially the skinny ones (and their strange cousins, the Cornish hens) usually say "who could make a hearty meal out of one of us?" So yeah, I can see their point of view, but there are other birds out there to choose from, aren't there?
That brings me to my final bit of support for a "turkey day off." Also, maybe a good alternative choice for you to consider. Of course, we can't suggest the good ole, all-American bald eagle. Heaven forbid! But what about one of those new, high-tech, pre-fabricated "tofu turkeys?" It surely is more healthy for you than one of us is, especially when all of our healthy dark meat is left on the platter. And finally, for all of you slaves to the kitchen out there, who wants to spend their whole day in the kitchen, anyway? Just pop one of those tofu turkeys in the microwave and zap it for 20 minutes!
I hope I have made my argument clear, in defense of a day off for turkeys on Thanksgiving. You wouldn't believe what it would do for morale, out here in the woods, come the first of November. It can be a pretty depressing sight, seeing a lot of young, vibrant turkeys with a bunch of premature gray hair and lots of nervous twitches. So please, take my advice when you go to pick out your main course this year for Thanksgiving. Give us turkeys a day off, and take your folks down the frozen food aisle. We will be forever thankful, trust me.
P.S. Don't try to stuff one of those tofu turkeys—have the dressing on the side.
From Bill Cantrell's fifth-grade class
Bellevue Elementary
