Friday, October 16, 2009

The Modem


By CHRIS MILLSPAUGH

"Hello, Mr. Meesepaw?"

"This is Mr. Millspaugh."

"Creese Millspaw?"

"Chris Millspaugh. It's 6:30 in the morning."

"Oh, yes. You reported your Internet service was down."

"Yes, the modem is not working. All the lights are off except for a red power light on the left side."

"Oh, I'm very sorry. Are there any lights on?"

"One light is on—red—power."

"No other lights on your modem are on?"

"That's correct."

"So, no USB, no Internet, no ..."

"One light! Power! Red!"

"Oh, I'm very sorry. Please stay on the line and I'll switch you to repair."

(11 minutes later) "Mr. Nilplug?"

"Millspaugh."

"Cross Millspaugh."

"Millspaugh, right—Cross, very."

"Your modem is out?"

"Yes and I've hit the reset button 10 times."

"How many lights are on?"

"One—power—red."

"Oh, let's try this. Pull out the power plug and depress the reset button for 40 seconds."

"I'm depressed now. All right, here goes."

(40 seconds later) "How's the weather up there?"

"I'm in the middle of a tornado, why?"

"Oh, I'm very sorry. Is it working now?"

"No."

"Well, you need a new modem. I'll connect you with the business office."

(14 minutes later) "Mr. Millyallopeepaw?"

"That's me."

"I see that your warranty is up so you'll have to purchase a new modem for $99. We can't ship it out to you because UPS has no record of your address so you'll have to go to Wal-Mart in Twin Falls to get one."

"We don't have delivery mail here. We just have P.O. boxes. Send it to the post office."

"We can't."

"Cancel my service."

"There'll be a $200 penalty for canceling, Mr. Mellowpello!"

"I just threw the modem out the window. I'm not paying the two bills."

"We'll bill you. Thanks for using Q ..."

"Oh, shut up and nice talking to you."




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