Friday, April 3, 2009

The Telemarketing Call


By CHRIS MILLSPAUGH

Remember a few years ago when they passed that law that prohibited tele-marketers from calling you at home? Remember that? Well, they still call. One called me the other night and went right into the spiel with the famous: "If you can answer these three questions, I'll ..." You know what I'm talking about? Well, this is the way it went this time:

Tele-marketer: "Hi, Mr. Mellspugg, this is Dan from A.B.C. Industries calling. If you can answer the next three questions, I ..."

Mellspugg: "Glad you found me at home, Dan. I'd be glad to answer your questions for you if you'll just answer a few of mine. What's the deal with this fricken economy nowadays?"

TM: "Well, I ..."

ME: "No, I want an answer. There's a lot of my friends that have been laid off work, no one's buying anything!"

TM: "Mr. Mellsb- ."

ME: "This state is at the bottom of food stamps and ..."

TM: "I really d- ."

ME: "Of course, you don't know! Nobody knows what's going on. And, don't get me started on the war! I ..."

TM: "If you could just ..."

ME: "If I could. If you could. If they could! Nobody can't! That's the trouble! I ..."

TM: "I just ..."

ME: "Just? There's nothing just about the whole thing. We spend years in Iraq and then we're supposed to get out and now all our troops are being sent to Af- ."

TM: "Mr. M- ."

ME: "And how about those Wall Street Crooks? I'd like to ..."

TM: "Could you ..."

ME: "I'd like to round them all up and ..."

TM: "C- ."

ME: "... and put them in a corral in Rupert and get me a few pals from the south county and ..."

TM: "Please, I ..."

ME: "Please? There would be no mercy for those clowns. I ..."

TM: "M- ."

ME: "And answer me this one! Bernie Madoff! What the ..."

TM: " I ..."

ME: "Bernie made off with all the money, that's what happened! Is he just going to get a slap on the w- ."

TM: "Look, I ..."

ME: "Okay, Dan, answer me this one. Why are they still letting Carlos Silva start for the Mariners? He can't get anyone out and ..."

TM: "I don't know! I don't know! I don't know!"

Me: "Well, now you know how I feel, Dan!"

TM: "But ..."

Me: "Nice talking to you!" (Bzzzzzzzz)




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