It's hell out there, kids. We're sinking fast and we need to rally and get through these hard times. Fortunately, I'm here to guide you through the swamp. Here are 20 ways to avoid slipping into the sea of despair:
1. Stop buying diamonds.
2. Stop eating.
3. Don't leave your house unless it has left you.
4. Make toast with the image of the Lord and sell it on eBay.
5. Lower your thermostat to 40 degrees.
6. Never mind #5. Just don't pay utility bills.
7. Throw your cell phone into a snow bank.
8. Watch TV 14 hours a day.
9. Spend the rest of the time at the library.
10. Teach your children the importance of money by locking them out of the house until they pay their share.
11. How important is insurance?
12. Have friends over to dinner and then rob them.
13. Recycle toilet paper.
14. Rinse out plastic bags, put them in your pockets and steal ready-made soup or chili from the market.
16. Shop at empty stores. There's a lot of them in Blaine County.
17. Sell all your vehicles. You're not going anywhere anyway.
18. Avoid moving. Stay put and hold on.
19. Retire immediately.
20. When in doubt, take a long nap, dream of wealth and ignore reality at any cost.
If you need food that bad, do what the Phantom Hill Mob does—take down a cougar.
Nice talking to you.