It was pretty cold last week. Last night, I slept with a block heater strapped to my face and rubbed my body with 5W oil. I was hoping my cabin fever would raise my temperature as I got up to go to the bathroom and take a shower. I slipped into my muck-luck slippers and thought I had a stone rattling about. It was one of my toes. I turned on my shower and out came hail. I looked out the window and squirrels were hurling themselves onto an electric fence to warm up their nuts. Cold? Well, yeah.
I went to the phone and dialed the county's Emergency Road Hazard line and they told me to call back in the spring. I went to my computer to find out what was going on. The local on-line news said that Hailey car thieves had called in sick, there was a glacier moving down Main Street in Ketchum and the geese in Sun Valley had flown off and had taken the pond. Cold? You got that right.
In other news, the winner of the Sun Valley snow sculpture contest was disqualified when it was discovered he was the sculpture, and all local bank accounts were frozen. Cold? I'd say.
I opened the front door and had to kick a hole in the air just to get outside. I got a 100-foot extension cord, hooked it up to my toaster oven, shoved it down my pants and went outside to the garage. I had traded my 1984 Cadillac Coupe DeVille in on Monday for a Zamboni. It started right up and went right through the garage door because the locks had frozen. I called to some of my neighbors and they helped me push my house down the street to jump-start the furnace. Cold? Duh?
I went back inside and my granddaughter called to tell me that she had gotten a 68 on her math test. I told her she really had to start studying and she said it was all right because with the wind chill factor it was a 97. I went into the kitchen and had breakfast—a block of frozen chicken noodle soup that I chipped a tooth on. The Jell-O proved to be palatable after I used my jack hammer on it. Cold? You better honk.
Look, I gotta go right after I use the snow blower on my carpet. Bundle up, will you? It's cold. Nice talking to you. Brrrrrrr!