Friday, December 19, 2008

Workin' the Bar: A Christmas Story


By CHRIS MILLSPAUGH

Joe: What are you doin' for Christmas?

Moe: Nothing.

Joe: What do you mean nothing?

Moe: I mean nothing. The kids are all grown up and live out of town,

Joe: Why don't you go see them?

Moe: With what?

Joe: No money, huh?

Moe: Right. Nada.

Joe: I'm strapped, too, or I'd lend you some.

Moe: Thanks anyway.

Joe: You wanna' come over to the house for Christmas dinner?

Moe: Naw, I prefer to dine alone on Holidays.

Joe: What are you having?

Moe: The usual—a can of cat food.

Joe: Don't say that. You're making me feel terrible!

Moe: Why should it? It's not the bottom of the line, cat food—it's Science Diet.

Joe: That's really sad.

Moe: What? It's veterinarian recommended.

Joe: You can't have cat food for Christmas!

Moe: Why not? I hate dog food.

Joe: Oh, yeah? What about that bacon-flavored brand?

Moe: I tried it and it didn't do it for me.

Joe: What about oats?

Moe: Horse food? I don't think so.

Joe: Horses eat carrots and ...

Moe: I draw the line at rabbit's cuisine, pal.

Joe: Look, I can't let you ...

Moe: Forget it, will you? A can of Science Diet, a little wine and a Twinkie and I'm set to go.

Joe: Hey, this is really driving me nuts. I won't be able to enjoy the holidays knowing that you're ...

Moe: Will you stop? I'll be just fine. Besides the neighborhood cats are expecting me.

Joe: (Open up his wallet, pulls out a 50 and slams it on the bar.) Here, take this. It's a gift. You don't owe me a thing. I gotta' go! (Exits)

Bro: Hey, where's Joe going?

Moe: Shopping ... I think. It's right around the corner, you know?

Bro: Christmas? Yes it is, What are you doin' for Christmas?

Moe: Nothin.'

Bro: Nothin'? What do you mean, nothin'?

Moe: Well, I ...

Moe made over $350 that afternoon and had the happiest of holidays ever. Merry Christmas and ... nice talking to you.




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