I try to pay attention to the presidential debates on CNN but am hypnotized by the wavy applause-o-meter chart coursing across the bottom of the TV screen. Is there a warehouse of certified Democrats, Republicans and independents somewhere hooked up to electroencephalograms, their emotions spiking at the mention of tax breaks, school lunches and the "War on Terror"?
I nearly lost the plot entirely until I heard Sen. John McCain mention Waziristan. I know a few things about this remote region of Afghanistan where Osama Bin Laden is rumored to be holed up. You see I flew over it once on a Virgin Atlantic flight, bound for the Himalayas. I studied its craggy mountain peaks and desolate valleys, before tuning in to Austin Powers (International Man of Mystery) on my personal, in-flight TV screen.
I'm here to tell you that McCain doesn't know beans about Waziristan or Kafiristan or whatever it's called. He's probably never even seen "The Man Who Would Be King," starring Sean Connery and Michael Caine, two rascals from the Raj who "brassed it out" and went there in 1888 to get out of India and find fortunes of their own.
They didn't bomb anybody. They just bought a crate of Martini-Henry rifles, got tricked out like dervishes, and hiked right into the hills, tipping the scales in tribal disputes and raising militias as they went—ultimately to be worshipped as gods in the highest reaches of the Hindu Kush.
Of course it helps to know enough about the customs of the natives to bewitch them. Turned out they were freemasons. Who knew?
But if Mr. McCain wants to get the bigger picture, he'd better see "Dune," starring Kyle McLaughlan, a young prince who goes refugee from his noble family and joins the tribal Fremen on the desert planet Arrakis, and becomes their prophet, Muad'Dib. The Fremen mine mélange, a psychotropic spice that the whole universe is addicted to.
Muad'Dib, of course, is based loosely on Osama bin Laden, though the latter lacks the telepathic abilities of Arrakis Fremen, the skill to ride giant sand worms, and so forth.
McCain probably did see "Charlie Wilson's War," however, starring Julia Roberts and Tom Hanks. I could tell by his mention of the very real tragedy of Afghanistan; how America supported the Mujahedeen freedom-fighters to fight off the Soviets, and then abandoned the region to fundamentalist Islam and tribal warlords.
I saw "Charlie Wilson's War" too and it didn't require top clearance from the Pentagon. Just try to imagine the frustration of conservative activist Julia Roberts and Sen. Tom Hanks, who found out the hard way that it is easier to fund an armed conflict against the Russians than it is to rebuild a society.
They would have done more if they could have, but sooner or later, even the biggest stars have to move on.
