1. Fill them with hope.
2. Keep a running tally of expenditures you had to lay out on them starting with birth costs, clothes, food and toys and keep it in your wallet at all times.
3. Deny the existence of Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy right up front so that later they won't be able to call you a liar.
4. Encourage them to play alone and have lots of imaginary friends so that later you can call them a liar.
5. Teach them that the best thing they can do in the world is errands for Dad.
6. Make sure your child has a paying job by age five and that he or she tithes 10% back to you.
7. Do not allow daughters to date until they're 31.
8. Tell them that pantsuits like Hillary Clinton has are the hottest clothes they could ever wear.
9. Let them know early on that cars are for pansies.
10. Encourage them to marry for money.
11. Keep all children out of wars even if you have to hide them in the basement for a few years.
12. Don't join their 80s rock and roll band. (Cocktail Jazz Trio = O.K.)
13. When they reach 21, let them buy you drinks. (They like that and it makes them feel grown up.)
14. Teach them that sometimes quitting is cool. (It takes a lot of pressure off them.)
15. Let them know that they should never draw to an inside straight.
16. Point out how very bad cell phones are and that they can kill you.
17. Always ask your child for a twenty and they'll eventually think that it's a normal request.
18. Don't let them become game show hosts or lawyers.
19. Tell them to always tip well.
20. Accept all Father's Day gifts except ties and socks and love the one who spent the most money on you the most.
Nice talking to you Dads.
