Pamela Plowman Weston lives in Hailey.
By PAMELA PLOWMAN WESTON
The Feb. 20 article on the controversy over several school expulsions is a sad reminder of the state of our society today. Parents are having a very hard time raising their kids. Children need clear, consistent boundaries, and this is much harder to accomplish when both parents work all day and come home tired, to similarly tired kids. Who wants to bump heads with a child when you're already worn out?
Be that as it may, it is still critically important that boundaries for children (pre-college) need to be clearly and consistently (and lovingly) enforced, for the sake of the child. Lack of clarity about what's acceptable behavior and what is not is unfair to a child. Inconsistent consequences for unacceptable behavior actually reinforces the behavior and makes it harder to stop. An inconsistent no is not a no. This is very important for parents to keep in mind. Inconsistency of consequences actually sabotages a child's ability to stop an undesirable behavior. If an unacceptable behavior is even occasionally ignored, the child will continue to think s/he might be able to get away with it, and thus will continue the behavior. They also come not to really believe their parents' warning. These children don't learn that "no means no" and it is a lifelong disservice to them, their relationships, the school system and society in general.
If we want to be a non-violent society (that's what it's going to take to stop war), our children need to be taught, absolutely clearly and consistently, that violence is never an option. Instead of violence, we use our words. The best age to learn this is the "terrible twos," but it's never too late to start. Good communication implies speaking and listening with respect for the equal rights of every single human being. Our word is truly our bond. When we say something, we need to mean it. When we hear someone say something to us, we must respect it as the other's truth. It is a major principle in recognition of the equality of every human being.
Drug abuse (prescription, OTC, legal or illegal) is an enormous problem in our society these days. And it's getting worse. Firearms, ditto. I would not send my child to a school that didn't have zero tolerance for these practices. I am sure that Blaine County schools have made this policy clear to every parent and child in the school system, but each of the children mentioned in the article had already been placed on probation. Probation is probation—no further offenses. No means no. It's sad that some children, and some parents, do not believe this, or hope it might be an inconsistent policy. But that is not the school's fault.
If a child suffers as a consequence of expulsion, that is actually the point—the deterrent factor. The administrators of our school system have to hold the good of the whole over the good of a single child. Probation is meant to offer the child a final chance to completely understand the unacceptability of a behavior, and what the consequence will be if it occurs again.
Parents who picket over this known and forewarned consequence of expulsion for a child who has been placed on probation are modeling for their children that probation does not mean what it says: "Break one more rule and you're out." They're fighting and struggling to say the clearly stated rules aren't fair—there should be exceptions. Rules as important as "no drugs," "no weapons," "no violence" clearly need to be absolute and unvarying if we want kids to believe them and know there will be consequences—serious consequences—if they are broken.
The best parenting in a situation like this is to support the school rule in a unified front, and make sure your child knows the consequences of breaking probation. It sounds to me like the boy who is now working part-time, taking courses online, taking music lessons and working out at the gym is learning how to decide what he wants to do, and will be in a much better position to make better decisions in the future. This will contribute far more to his education than having parents model that if you make enough of a stink, the rules just might not apply to you. It's called taking responsibility for your actions.
Knowing that probation means you are on your last chance, period, is the best deterrent for other students, too. I remember an occasional child being expelled during my schooling, and it was very impressive and effective in letting all the students know that school rules are school rules. Period.
Thank you, Blaine County school administrators, for being strong and consistent with these important policies. They help all the kids refrain from unacceptable behavior, and that is the point.
