Friday, Jan. 26
6:00—Spurred on by Coach Fester's remark in last week's paper regarding Eric Demment's tendency to rush up ice, Ryan Enrico and I try to conjure up the lyrics to the 1960's classic, "The Wanderer." Rico has frightening knowledge of the Oldies, but all he's able to come up with is, "Well, I'm the type of guy that'll never settle down." Still, this will be enough to keep us entertained every time D-Day touches the puck.
6:35—Definition of "thinking outside the box:" John "Cubby" Burke, tired of freezing his backside on a wooden plank has taken matters into his own hands and brought two plush easy chairs in order to watch the game in comfort. All he needs is a desk and coffee machine and he can set up an office right in the far corner of the rink.
7:00—As if our team didn't have enough of them already, a great new tradition has taken effect. For his perceived infraction of whiffing on a shot in last week's game, Blake Jenson must skate warm-ups adorned with a 1970s helmet that would be more befitting a bowler's hand than a hockey player's head. Absolutely horrible looking.
7:06—Best non-call of the season: After cutting through the Seattle defense and letting go with a hard wrist shot, "The Wanderer" redirects the rebound into the net with his skate. This skillful and blatantly illegal play is some kind of bizarre imitation of Maradona's "Hand of God" goal in the 1986 World Cup. Welcome to Suns Hockey!
7:37—Not good. I open my bag between periods to put on my lucky Latvian hockey shirt and realize I've left it at home. I actually contemplate trying to find someone to retrieve it for me, and thus wonder if perhaps I'm letting my superstitions get slightly out of hand. At this rate I'm going to wind up like Jack Nicholson in "As Good As It Gets."
8:13—Chris "Chipsy" Warrington tests the arena's susceptibility to earthquakes by slamming his head off the stanchion that curves over the visitor's bench. He signals everything is up to code by letting out a whoop as he pops up from the ice, minus a bit of blood.
8:20—Josh Jacobson nearly decapitates the Seattle goalie with a cannon of a slap shot. I must have a horseshoe hidden on me somewhere, as the rebound slides right out to my stick with the keeper still crumpled out of position leaving an empty net. I wish Josh shot high all the time. Oh, wait...
8:25—Guess the horseshoe fell out. An extremely similar play, only instead of going in the open net, my shot ricochets off a defenseman's skate. Too bad, this could have been my first multi-goal game since senior year of high school. Contact me if you're interested and I'll be happy tell you the details of that glorious evening.
9:10—Ryan "Doogle" McDonald takes a slap shot from outside the blue, putting each of his 143 pounds behind it. Goal. What the replay doesn't show, partly because such a thing doesn't exist, is former Sun John Bidon's ruthless heckling of the Seattle goalie just seconds before. Bidsy should be awarded an assist for his unnerving question of whether or not he and his neon green helmet did indeed just finish playing roller hockey in Florida.
9:22—Trevor Thomas takes exception to a cross check in his lower back and spends 30 seconds pummeling the transgressor. That is, after spending two minutes dancing closer than I did with my date to the prom.
9:33—Career Night for Johnny "5-0" Miller. Not only did he receive his fourth penalty, putting him one shy of getting ejected, but he also remembered the name of the butler in "Trading Places."
10:45—Our team may be undefeated, but I turn in a poor performance once again at the Pioneer and lose yet another battle against their delicious Buffalo Burger. I feel great shame as I hand back the unfinished plate, the waitress openly questioning my manhood.
Saturday, Jan. 27
7:00:34—Adam "Dwayne" Swain announces his presence with authority, skating in from the opening face off to score. This kid epitomizes Vince Lombardi's famous quote, "Act like you've been there before." He could win the Stanley Cup and I don't think his heart rate would reach 45 BPM. Quick goals usually go one of two ways—either the opposition folds like France circa 1939 or we sit back and wait for them to do that only to have it backfire horrendously (just ask the 2004 Yankees).
7:34—Seattle ties it 2-2 toward the end of the period. I guess the altitude and their day skiing isn't affecting them as hoped.
7:45—Hey, Jake Nikolaisons is off the DL and back in his role as motivational speaker, challenging Fester with his two-year old vocabulary.
8:09—Battling for a puck along the boards, my stick snaps, leaving me holding eight inches of useless carbon fiber. Somewhat amazed, I toss the remaining piece over my head, almost catching Winkler in the face. I skate to the bench hollering for a spare and come away with Doogle's, realizing a second too late that it's approximately the same size as Jake's knee hockey stick.
8:19—I see Winkler cutting through middle ice behind their defensemen. My pass is about a foot too far in front. I blame it on my new stick. Still, he makes a nice diving play to collect the puck, but too much time was spent on the ice and the breakaway chance is stymied.
8:22—I can see Jeremy "Jerry" Schreiber licking his lips in anticipation as an Indian forward skates through the neutral zone with his head down. Sitting on the bench, I brace for the impact, only the doomed transgressor hears the footsteps at the last moment and throws on the brakes, completely giving up on the puck while saving his life.
8:50—Down by one at the second intermission and I'm feeling nervous. Is this really it for our streak? Bad thoughts, bad thoughts.
9:01—A Seattle player knocks Vilnis "Villi" Nikolaisons to his knees and refuses to let our truncated Latvian back to his feet. Colin "Zulie" Zulianello doesn't appreciate the manner in which his teammate is being accosted and jumps in the fray, his blocker and glove flying. I'll tell you this: nothing will fire up a team more than seeing their goalie voluntarily starting some fisticuffs.
9:10—Zulie saves a vicious slap shot with his trachea and chooses to sit out the remainder of the game rather than letting his throat swell up until he asphyxiates.
9:11—I pick an inopportune time to lose a defensive face-off, as the Indians manage to rip a quick wrister on Ryan Thomson who has been on the ice for less than thirty seconds. Um, sorry about that, Eggshell!
9:35—With six Seattle players attacking, Dwayne Swain blocks a shot from the point, giving himself a breakaway on the empty net. The insurance goal gives him a hat trick for the night. Just another night for Dwayne.
9:38—One aspect of European sports I found truly remarkable is the respect for fans. After every match, regardless if they're prima donna soccer stars or thuggish ruggers, the players will makes some display of their appreciation for the home crowd. Taking cue, as a team we skate over to the Beer Garden and give a 20-stick salute to our loyal and rowdy fans.
9:41—14 and 0. Not a bad start to the season. Rico lyrically sums it up, "We are the Suns/We're on a roll/We got a lotta heart/We got a lotta soul."
9:43—Jerry spots Chugga holding the George Jacket and asks a question that has undoubtedly been oft repeated since the garment's inception: What the hell is the deal with that thing? After an in-depth description (it is a favorite topic for any Sun after all), he responds sheepishly, "I hope I never play well enough to win it."
9:43:30—Jerry wins the George Jacket. I guess we forgot to tell him that quality of play, although his is fine indeed, has little to do with it. I would tell you his response, but this is a family publication.
