"I'm not just starting a campaign, though, I'm beginning a conversation with you, with America. Let's talk. Let's chat."
Oprah: That was Hillary Clinton announcing for the presidency. Well, where does a girl go these days to have a chit-chat? The Internet? Puhleeze. Hillary, welcome to America's living room. Senator, good to have you here.
Clinton: Good to be with you, sister girlfriend.
Oprah: What did you just call me? It's Oprah.
Clinton: Um, sorry.
Oprah: I just wanted to let the world know that when we agreed to do this interview you said you would be willing to talk to me about everything . . .
Clinton: That's true.
Oprah: ... and the only condition was that we use a soft-filter lens and have a roaring fire behind you at all times.
Clinton: I don't recall that.
Oprah: Yes, to warm up your image, humanize you, make you accessible. That's what your aides said, and I said, 'You go, girl.' We're in the middle of a war, and the first woman with a shot at the White House doesn't have to prove she's tough enough. She's got to warm up her image. People already know the girl's cold-blooded enough. We've come a long way bay-bay, is what I say. (Audience clapping).
Clinton: Yes, it's time American voters made history and elected the first woman president.
Oprah: Well, I was thinking it's time for the first African American president? The "O" is for Obama, if you get my drift. (Audience cheers.) Barack Obama is my favorite guy. I'm very much an Illinoisian.
Clinton: I'm an Illinoisian, too. And an Arkansan. And a New Yorker. But isn't Senator Wet-behind-the-ears a little young and inexperienced—for you, Oprah, for you? I'm just sayin'.
Oprah: Go on now.
Clinton: Besides, Oprah, the United States already elected its first black president. That's what author Toni Morrison called my husband, Bill. Ask her next time she's on your little book group.
Oprah: I'm not even going to go there. Later in the show, a surprise guest. We'll be right back. (Commercial break.)
Oprah: Welcome back. We ended the last segment talking about Bill. May I ask you this? How nervous are you having him be first gentleman?
Clinton: As I've said often on the issue of Iraq ...
Oprah: We'll get to Iraq in a bit, but what about Bill? Could we trust him—could you trust him—with so much unstructured time on his hands?
Clinton: Why don't I explain the neat health care plan he let me cook up when he was president ...
Oprah: I have to ask you this, so many wives in my audience have said to please ask you this question: How is the marriage?
Clinton: It depends on what your definition of "is" is. Short answer: We're stronger as a couple and a nation. Of course, you don't ever really get over the adultery and impeachment, and lying and the public humiliation, and the ashtray-throwing and the ...
Oprah: But you're growing stronger together?
Clinton: Sorry, I didn't mean to tear up and look off into the distance, meaningfully.
Oprah: All right, then, break. When we return, Hillary will continue to tackle the issues. And, a special guest. Perhaps healing and closure. Back soon.
(Commercial break.)
Oprah: That was a video montage of the Clinton presidency. Or perhaps the first Clinton presidency?
Clinton: Okie Dokie Artichokie.
Oprah: I was watching you watch the video. Did that bring back memories for you?
Clinton: Sure, but I'm all about the future.
Oprah: There you were. First lady. A beautiful big house. A new hairstyle a week. Your very own national health care initiative, but you often seemed so sad and angry. Why so sad and angry, Hillary?
Clinton: Well, your little montage there did manage to include Gennifer Flowers, Juanita Broaddrick, Kathleen Willey, Monica Lewinsky and Ken Starr. Have you hired on to do Obama's oppo research?
Oprah: Well, I can see it's time for our mystery guest. Come out Ken Starr and let the healing begin.
Clinton: I ...
Oprah: White women who have a problem with charismatic African American males—next Oprah.
David Reinhard
