Queen Bee Rosalind Wiseman spent a day talking, mimicking, acting out and bringing laughter to the subject she is something of an expert on: girl world and boy world. She has spent more than a decade listening to thousands of teens talk about the powerful role cliques play in shaping what they wear and say, how they respond to each other, and how they feel about themselves.
Her book "Queen Bees and Wannabes: Helping Your Daughter Survive Cliques, Gossip, Boyfriends & Other Realities of Adolescence" was published in 2002 and was the basis for the hit movie "Mean Girls," starring Lindsay Lohan. A New York Times Best Seller, "Queen Bees" is in its 15th printing in hard cover and its seventh in paperback.
Wiseman is also the founder of Empower Program, a national, nonprofit educational organization founded in 1992 and based in Washington, DC. For Empower, Wiseman travels approximately three times a month to a school or organization to speak. This spring she will travel more extensively to promote her new book "Queen Bee Moms and Kingpin Dads: Coping with the Parents, Teachers, Coaches, and Counselors Who Can Rule—Or Ruin—Your Child's Life," which will be released in April.
Much of her three-hour discussion, with a gathering of approximately 30 adults and a few teens, covered topics from both her books. In attendance were counselors, teachers and parents.
"There are moments in life that are confusing," Wiseman explained. "You don't even know how to talk to someone." Kids just take it in and what gets your attention is what they go with. Wiseman has a way of speaking for teens. She gets inside their heads, knows their lingo and culture. In fact, she recommends parents watch some of the shows and listen to the music with their kids. An informed parent is a better parent is her message. In turn, she doesn't tell adults what they should say (though in some cases she says what not to say), instead she tries to make clear what kids actually mean and want.
Bullying and teasing in schools is a huge topic. Wiseman compared having a budding body you may be teased about to having a new car.
"You take it out for a test-drive and see how fast you can go. You're driving down the road, it's gorgeous, and there's a great song on. It's sunny out, then a police car gets you. You're busted. Some one suddenly has control over you. You get flustered, nervous, sweaty. That's what it feels like viscerally for kids at school if you're being teased. Someone else has control."
Wiseman added that the Internet is an all too easy and accessible way for rumors and malicious gossip to spread, thanks to chat rooms and sites like Myspace.com.
"If they're acting paranoid, it's justified," Wiseman said. "Never use the word bullying when you're working with kids. What I'm about is teaching kids to be ethical. I don't care if kids are friends but they must learn to treat people with dignity."
The one thing parents should never do is belittle kids' feelings or tell them it's no big deal, she added. Doing so teaches them how to shrug off problems.
When discussing girl world and boy world, Wiseman takes to the visuals. She showed select scenes from the movie "Mean Girls" and a collage of images that are familiar to boys. After showing each snippet she asked the audience to size up the action and the hidden language.
Cliques are part of the whole socialization of teens. Where they are within a clique is just as important as being in it to begin with. The alpha teen sets the rules, those around her jockey to stay close.
"Teens are like proselytizers. Those newest to the religion, they're looking to see who is doing it right or wrong."
Not afraid of discussing sex and its pull, Wiseman coached the adults to understand that teens are sexual. Oral sex, as scary as that sounds for those from other eras, is what kids do to not get pregnant or sexually transmitted diseases. Teaching teens to behave with respect in regards to themselves is the tricky but not impossible feat.
"Girls who have money don't get a reputation for being a slut even if they are one. Classicism interweaves in their world as much as ours," she said. "Calling your friend a slut or bitch is buying into what culture has set up. Parents need to talk to them about what their definition of sex is."
Okay. There are boxes Wiseman puts on a screen that showed how a teen looks at his or her world. What is right is inside the box. Anything outside is considered wrong according to their girl and boy world culture.
Boys have to be strong, tough, funny, have the right style, have the marker of money, be able to attract girls, be athletic, be a risk taker and be brave.
For girls, one is required to have a great body, have the right style, be pretty, have a high tolerance (to drugs and alcohol), be popular, nice to adults, confident, get good grades and be athletic. What is not okay is to being fat, a bitch, a slut, a prude, gay, trying too hard and having no friends.
Ah, propriety. And we think adults have it bad.
Wiseman said she spoke at a school in Orlando, Fla., where the girls, as young as 16 are generally given breast enlargements by their parents. ("Is it in the water," she hooted. "Have they lost their minds!?")
Parents, too, have boxes as decided by girl and boy world culture. Mothers must have the right style but not too sexy, love children and pets, be involved in the community, be happily married, have lots of friends and be cheerful. Outside the box is having an unkempt house and children, being angry or uptight, having no friends and trying too hard.
Fathers, beware, you must be able to fix things, be funny, have the right style, be able to talk sports, be a good provider, be athletic, mow the lawn and shovel snow. A father who can't take a joke, has a messy garage, can't fix things and is a fat loner is out.
Thankfully we have Wiseman, a sincerely funny dame, to explain this all to us. She is returning to the valley in April for further discussions and scary stories from the depths of teenager-dom.
