The great complaint of Americans today is that we are short of time. No time for exercise, too little time for family and friends, too little time for reflection.
So, to save time, we offer pre-written resolutions for the New Year. We know that resolutions are like diets—sometimes we adopt them, but sometimes they need renewal. To this end, we've also included some retreads from last year.
President George W. Bush: While watching the news on the devastation wreaked by the Indian Ocean tsunami and contemplating America's promise of a measly $35 million for disaster relief, to re-read "A Christmas Carol" and to pay particular attention to the stingy main character named "Scrooge."
Imprisoned domestic diva Martha Stewart: To craft homemade paper and design handmade calendars for inmates to use in counting down their prison terms.
Blaine County Commissioners: (Same as last four years) To hire an administrator to allow them to manage the big picture and to leave the micromanaging to others.
Bellevue, and Blaine County: (Same as last year) To follow Ketchum, Hailey and Sun Valley in adopting a Dark Skies Ordinance to protect the valley's incredible view of the Milky Way.
U.S. Congress: To stop the red ink that will hit future generations like a tsunami.
U.S. Military and Intelligence Services: (Same as last year) To find Osama Bin Laden.
Idaho Attorney General Lawrence Wasden: (Same as last year) To quit wasting the state's money on lawsuits to squeeze blood from Idaho's poor school districts and instead demand that the Idaho Legislature adequately fund education for Idaho kids.
Idaho Department of Parks and Recreation: (Same as last year) To back down on a plan that will decimate areas around Challis, Mackay and Copper Basin by making them a mecca for ATVs.
Janet Jackson: To quit buying flimsy underwear.
Federal Communications Commission: To quit beefing about JJ and look at what's on during prime time every night.
Hailey Mayor and City Council: To take a page out of Bellevue's book and stop the Main Street carnage by insisting that Hailey police officers crack down on drivers who don't stop for pedestrians in crosswalks and who exceed the posted speed limits.
Opponents of opening Hemingway House for public tours: To look up the meaning of the word "egocentric."
Idaho State Legislature: To end the silly shell game of requiring that property taxes be based on market value while refusing to require accurate and comprehensive reporting of property sales prices.
Sawtooth National Recreation Area foresters: To repeat this adaptation of a classic poem each day: "I think that I shall never see, a cell tower lovely as a tree."
Federal Aviation Administration: To stop nearly a decade of bureaucratic procrastination games and to approve the transponder landing system for foul weather operations at Friedman Airport.
National Marine Fisheries Service, U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service and federal biologists everywhere: To look at x-rays of human bodies and remember that humans have a spine that should come in handy if engaged when facing the scientific hogwash coming out of the Bush Administration.
Idaho Sen. Larry Craig: To decorate his office with a candy dish of dairy waste and a collage of nuclear sludge to remind him that erasing regulations will never erase the facts that cow-pies stink, and nuclear sludge will rot your teeth—and a lot of other body parts, too.
Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld: To donate the armored vehicle in which he is shuttled to and from work in Washington, D.C., each day to those who need it more: American troops in Iraq who're driving around in unprotected Humvees.
Boston Red Sox: To keep helping the nation believe in what can be accomplished with hard work and faith in the future.
Ketchum Mayor Ed Simon: To set petty issues aside, learn the art of the possible, get a grip on the city budget, and bring the city's infrastructure up to snuff.
Sun Valley City Council: To outlaw matches in the city until it sees the wisdom of outlawing wooden shake roofs.
Americans concerned about the high costs of health care: To turn off the TV, put on a pair of tennis shoes, and take a walk every day.
NFL, NBA, NHL, MLB et al: To "Just say 'No' to Drugs."
Blaine County Airport Relocation Advisory Committee: Before the next meeting, to post former President Bill Clinton's reminder, writ large, "It's the economy, Stupid."
