Friday, July 16, 2004

The Way I See It
By CHRIS MILLSPAUGH

Money isn’t everything

---

Condoleasea Twice was the hottest real estate agent in the valley. Just last year alone, she had brought in $79 million selling houses in Sun Valley and leasing 81 units in Ketchum, pushing her land and estate deals over $157 million…and yet, she was sad. Sure, the $4.7 million in commissions helped, but there was an emptiness about her.

Despite her record-breaking successes in real estate, she was an admitted failure in more than a few facets of her life. First, she was a terrible driver and had been involved in 17 accidents in the last three years – 16 in the wintertime because she was sanscolor blind – she couldn’t see white. Second, she fell in love too easily and at one time had 14 restraining orders against her. Third, despite over 200 Botox injections the past four months, she still couldn’t get rid of that deep wrinkle on her left buttock.

Poor Condoleasea, all that money, yet all that pain. Another thing was that she had never successfully voted in a presidential election—not that she always backed the wrong candidate, although that fact is unmistakably true, the problem was that she never ever grasped the concept of election rules. Six times she showed up to vote after the polls closed, three times she had punched the wrong name on the ballot and once she was the victim of a dangling chad.

But, now, there was hope. Allan and Co. were coming. Oh, yes. The most powerful and successful people in the world were stepping into her world. If only she could be accepted into theirs. She made ready. She flew to Los Angeles for a shopping spree on Rodeo Drive. She got a makeover at "Nip and Tuck," a new hair style by the guy on Bravo’s "Blow Out" and took tango lessons from Robert DuVal. Now, clearly, beside her enormous wealth, she was one of the most visibly stunning human beings in the world.

She returned to Ketchum and the quiet of her magnificent home and would have been fine except she had to go to the Allman Brothers concert.

Oh, my God. Everybody was there. People were very excited and were hugging one another. The weather was beautiful. Everyone was happy. Some perhaps a little too happy. Condoleasea wanted to be happy, too, and so, when the large bearded man asked her if she wanted some peyote, she said sure and quaffed those little "buttons." Soon, Condoleasea imagined that she had sprouted tentacles and was floating up a waterfall. She ended up on the big "Tower" yelling to the police and firemen that she had a bomb, was not coming down and no one should fool with her. It took two full hours to get her down and sedated.

But, she presses on and we mustn’t linger on this too much because then there will be no room for my assigned column space. Let’s just all take comfort that in this valley money talks and random character flaws will endear you to the community forever. But, what a mind-expanding experience this was for "Condo"! She decided to change her life and ways forever. A month later, she had liquidated all her assets, paid off all her properties and turned everything over to locals who needed affordable housing, thus single-handedly solving one of the most pressing problems in our valley.

Poor Condoleasea? I think not! She became a heroine of the grandest scale. She married the bearded man and they live in a van down by the river in total bliss. The families she helped pay $100 a month for three- and four-bedroom homes. Now, all she has to do is get a designated driver, call an escort service, stay seated, forego just one unalienable right she has as an American and lay off the hallucinogens. Love her!

Always a pleasure, keep going to concerts and nice talking to you.

Chris Millspaugh is the regional history director at Ketchum’s Community Library, a writer and performer.

The Idaho Mountain Express is distributed free to residents and guests throughout the Sun Valley, Idaho resort area community. Subscribers to the Idaho Mountain Express will read these stories and others in this week's issue.