Carb-O-Nation
Commentary by MICHAEL AMES
Michael Ames, the former publisher of
The Street, recommends eating this newspaper.
Low-carb lemonade. Low-carb salad. Low-carb
pet food. Real products, all, peddled to the burgeoning bellies and malleable
minds of our increasingly gelatinous nation. A quick stroll through any
supermarket reveals the diet’s amoebic reach: low-carb wine, low-carb bread,
low-carb vegetables. It’s endless.
Dr. Atkins, who is to blame for most of
the carbohydrate-scapegoating and protein-pushing, recently died. His death led
to mass speculation. Some say he was morbidly overweight, saturated by own fatty
doctrine. The Atkins estate swears he fell down the stairs and bashed his head,
but looked fit and trim in the process. Regardless of the cause of the man’s
untimely demise, his "Diet Revolution" has caused an unprecedented nutritional
hysteria.
All across the country, people are
ordering "naked" burgers and sandwiches, sans buns. "Double bacon cheeseburger,
no bun," has become an acceptably health conscious entrée. The fast-food joints
are on the ball, with Subway offering Atkins Friendly Wraps, lower in carbs, but
significantly higher in calories and fat than their sandwiches. Donatos, a
national pizza chain, now offers "NoDough Low-Carb Pizza," which features "lots
of cheese and toppings" melted onto a "bed of protein rich crumbles that you can
eat with a fork." Yum.
Some signs point to a slowdown, though. A
Florida man filed a lawsuit with the Atkins estate after his cholesterol jumped
from 146 to 230 with two months dieting. The wanton gluttony that has made this
diet so attractive may ultimately be its undoing.
It may be tasty, but, according to many
nutritionists, extremely unhealthy to overload your system with meat and
protein. Sustainable relationships, even with diets, ultimately require
compromise. You eat less of this, more of that, you partake in that zany
old-fashioned pastime called "exercise," and you lose weight.
Simple logic, however, make not a
successful marketing campaign. To make America go ga-ga, Atkins offers high
dividends at little to no emotional cost. In giving people what they want, by
telling a country that it can have its steak (and its cheese and its beer and
its chocolate), and eat it, too, the low-carb craze has become the pusher to our
smack-addicted populace. The diet succeeds not by what it achieves, but by what
it concedes.
Now, the race is on to produce low-carb
versions of just about everything. Low-carb carbohydrate is not a paradox; it is
our reality, people.
But in breads and grains, have we not
finally chosen a scapegoat that is inherently good? What of the manna that fell
from the heavens and fed the Jews for 40 years of dry desert exile? What of the
bread that is the offering and body of Christ? Will the Church be the next to
cave, offering a low-carb Eucharist?
What other low-carb constructs await?
Low-Carb Envelopes: Can you be Atkins
friendly while licking all those carb-heavy envelope adhesives? Now you can!
Lick away, guilt free!
Low-Carb Toothpicks: Unlike wood, these
lightweight, magnesium alloy toothpicks never splinter, so you don’t have to
worry about ingesting particles of cellulose, a very big and nasty carbohydrate.
Pick away, guilt free!
Low-Carb Lipbalm: Just because the country
is fat, doesn’t mean your lips have to be! Go ahead, moisturize, guilt free!
The dieting formula has never changed. Eat
what you need; exercise for body, for mind, for spirit and be healthy. Don’t
believe the hype. Eat bread.