Friday — May 14, 2004

Personality tests

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The Way I See It
By CHRIS MILLSPAUGH

Lately, I’ve received a number of e-mails from friends who think it’s a good idea for me to take a personality test or answer a quiz that will apparently determine what my future will be. "Answer these questions and your score will reflect just who you are and where you are going." And, they add as a bonus, "The future will be brighter if you will just pass the test on to at least five other people within 24 hours."

Have you gotten those? Yeah? Well, how about the Blatant County Dolly Mama Dung Sushi Tabitian Personality Test?

Take just a few minutes to take this test and see how you fare. Spring brings a feeling of hope. Good will, luck and opportunity are just around the corner.

Write your answers on a piece of paper, and NO cheating! The answers follow right after the questions.

Which is your favorite color: red, black, blue, green or yellow?

Your first initial?

Your month of birth?

Which color do you like more, black or white?

Name of a person the same sex as yours?

Your lucky number?

Do you like Ketchum or Hailey more?

Do you like Magic Reservoir or Bald Mountain more?

Write down a wish (a realistic one). When you’re done, glance down to the answers. (Don’t cheat.)

If you chose:

Red--You’re ready to panic and bolt out of town because your life is out of control.

Black--You are moody, paranoid and drink until you pass out.

Green--You’re unreasonably jealous, basically ignorant and often bark at the moon.

Blue--You are incredibly morose, cold and devoid of human emotion.

Yellow--You are a sniveling coward.

OK! Having fun? Let’s continue.

If your initial is:

A-K: You appear lost and no one really likes you.

L-R: You hide at night, drink alone and pretend to be a sniper.

S-Z: You snarl at others, steal tips off the bar and never go to the library.

Feeling stronger? Let’s press on.

If you were born in:

Jan.-March--The year will be a total disaster for you and you will fall in love with a man named "Bubba" on death row.

Apr.-June--You will have a fleeting affair with an alarmingly ugly person and regret it the rest of your life.

July-Sep.--You’ll find the person of your dreams and wake up in a psyche ward heavily sedated.

Oct.-Dec.--You’ll date often, find no one of substance and dwindle away alone.

Glad you took this test, aren’t you? Don’t stop now.

If you chose:

Black: Your life will be hard and eventually you’ll want to change your gender.

White: You’ll meet a very nice person on a Friday night and freeze together in the snow next winter.

Comfy? Let’s go.

I believe this person will total your car.

You can take it. Read on!

This is the number of bill collectors that are after your a--.

Won’t be long now, quiz master.

If you chose:

Hailey: You are a laid-back person, wear sweat pants and have virtually given up.

Ketchum: You are totally out of your mind.

Last one. Don’t give up.

If you chose:

Magic Reservoir: You are loyal to your friends but can’t remember why.

Mount Baldy: You want to be liked but no one cares.

Feel better?

Your wish will come true if you send this test to five incompetent people and send one dollar to me.

Always a pleasure, have a wonderful life and nice talking to you.

The Idaho Mountain Express is distributed free to residents and guests throughout the Sun Valley, Idaho resort area community. Subscribers to the Idaho Mountain Express will read these stories and others in this week's issue.