Manners can be fun
Commentary by JoEllen
Collins
One of the bibles of my childhood
was a book intended to produce well-behaved young people called "Manners
Can be Fun." While I no longer have a copy, it left a huge impression on
me. I recall the joys of testing my own sense of propriety against the
book's drawings of naughty boys with their elbows on the table. We spent
a lot of time in my generation learning manners.
Part of every family meal included
practice of the rules of polite conduct. (That daily required family
dinner gathering may be less prevalent now.) We were instructed not to
talk with our mouths full, to request but never reach for table items,
and to always ask, "May I leave the table, please," before bolting.
I have written before of my dismay
at the rudeness often evident in our rushed modern lives: the lack of
RSVPs and thank you notes and most especially the aggressive discourtesy
of motor vehicle operators. At the risk of sermonizing, pedantry and
redundancy, I wish to share some examples of the civility I recently
witnessed in another culture. CBS's "Sunday Morning" show just featured
the remarkable evidence of honesty among the Japanese because of their
established cultural virtue of empathy. Surely most social behaviors are
culture-related: nonetheless it is fascinating to see how the mannerisms
of a society so aptly reflect other values.
I have just returned from two
weeks in Switzerland visiting an English friend. We stayed at three
different hotels, from a luxurious spa to a modest village B&B whose
simple rooms nonetheless overlooked the Eiger. We walked miles on the
paths found everywhere in that country and stopped at small inns in
remote passes. Always, everywhere, we were treated with courtesy and
respect. I'm sure my friend's command of German helped, but when I used
English, no one ever made me feel uncultured or stupid.
Most Americans are aware of the
Swiss reputation for hospitality, so one assumes decent treatment there.
But beyond the graciousness exhibited toward tourists, I noted several
other admirable examples of polite interactions. For example, I never
saw children behaving loudly or running around restaurants, and they
generally finished their meals without complaint. Neither did I hear
them in the streets or in stores endlessly demanding things they wanted.
I noted that in return children
and their parents were respected. I was impressed with the existence in
most inn and hotel bathrooms of clean and comfortable diaper changing
stations. Some even had warm towels and colorful mobiles for the
infant's pleasure.
There were other joys, naturally.
Way up in the still snowy Sils-Maria area near San Moritz, a sign at the
entrance of a walking path had a picture of a dog fronting a bin of
plastic bags. Instead of commanding, "Clean up After Your Dog," the
Swiss instead chose one word to put under the image, BRAVO, a positive
and polite reminder to bag a dog's droppings. As a result of these
omnipresent receptacles, the paths are free of refuse.
On Easter Sunday, in an inn high
up the base of the Jungfrau in the Bernese Alps, the aged proprietress
asked us if we knew the Oster (Easter) egg game. She took time to show
us the simple game and gave us the eggs as a reward. She thanked us for
taking the time to enjoy her place and the modest ritual. At almost
every dinner everywhere, the owner came to our table and asked us if we
were enjoying the meal. We were treated like royalty, even at the
humblest place.
In addition to the courteous
hosts, we found that other guests of our hotels often greeted us at
meals, nodding and wishing us well. Always, people smiled at and
acknowledged one another.
So, what does this mean? I do
certainly encounter polite people in my school, parents who take the
time to say hello and even a couple of second-graders who will open the
door for me and wish me a good morning. I know we do not entirely lack
manners. Nonetheless, I have noticed an absence of some of the
courtesies I was taught. A mother on my plane home consistently allowed
her daughter to stand up in her seat, blocking everyone's view of the
movie. That child was being taught selfish discourtesy at the expense of
others. Try saying "no" to a child's request for a toy or candy, or
visit a local family restaurant and see how many American kids behave.
I hope I'm wrong. I looked for
children's books on manners at The Community Library in Ketchum. There
were only two, one new and the other intended for very young children.
It has been checked out 16 times in three years. I scanned them and
noted a common theme, the one that I had unconsciously been examining.
Most manners are based on a sense of empathy like the Japanese possess
or on the concept of the Golden Rule. The result of abiding by these
precepts is ultimately rewarding ("Manners Can be Fun") because people
will respond positively, considering the well-mannered person as
thoughtful and kind. The rewards outweigh the discipline. In training
puppies, owners are reminded that a well-behaved puppy is a welcome
puppy. One could say the same for children and for adults who may have
forgotten the joys of civilized interactions.