For the week of January 21 - 27, 2004

‘Teaching’ marital bliss?

Commentary by Pat Murphy

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Since human history first was recorded in petroglyphs by cave men, every conceivable device has been used to improve human behavior to be more civil, more accommodating, moral.

When threats failed, spiritual damnation of the soul was tried. That failing, bribery and promises of a better life were dangled before the uncivil and dissolute. Mood altering medications and counseling therapy eventually found their way into the mix. Lawsuits and mandatory jail time seem to be current attempts.

Now, President Bush wants to try his hand at shaping behavior at the most intimate personal level with his $1.5 billion "healthy marriage" project. His idea is to teach couples—especially inner city couples (read that, minority and low income couples)—how to develop strong marriages.

If Washington can invest billions in weapons systems that fizzle—which seems to be White House reasoning—why not pour a modest billion or so bucks into the swampy uncertainties of matrimony, even if it flops.

Having just celebrated our 50th wedding anniversary, my wife and I can testify that successful marriages are complicated, often stressful experiences in up-close personal durability and patience.

Husbands and wives reaching their 50th year together know success is built on perseverance, loyalty, respect, enduring tough times, sacrifice, pain, failure and success, give and take, conciliation.

Call it character—something that individuals, rich and poor, learn from parents and their upbringing, not by rote. If bride and groom don't have character by the time they recite "I do" at the altar (or before a civil magistrate), Healthy Marriage 101 isn’t apt to prevent matrimonial self-destruction.

Divorce is endemic to the American way. Marital discord is an industry for therapists, counselors, lawyers, courts, collection agents tracking down deadbeat dads, foster homes, government child protective agencies and more.

Causes run the gamut of human weaknesses—money, drugs, alcoholism, infidelity, joblessness, stress, abuse, hopelessness, boredom, parenting overload and more. Sooner or later something is bound to test a couple’s will and determination to remain together, and not even the most optimist coaching can overcome a couple’s despairing sense of futility.

Big things shouldn’t be expected of Bush’s plan. Like the election year cascade of other proposals, "healthy marriage" really is political sop to religious conservatives who seem convinced that Washington can create stable marriages even if it can’t create honesty in executive suites of corporate America.

By inviting federal intervention to rescue romance from domestic failure, religious activists surely concede the failure of churches.

By the time the $1.5 billion "healthy marriage" budget is exhausted, if ever approved, President Bush’s program won’t change the dismal divorce rate. However, it will spawn a new bureaucracy of sociologists studying the roots of unhappy marriages; work for marriage counselors; paperwork for statisticians keeping track of how funds are spent, on whom and for what; rents for landlords offering space to bureaucrats, and bragging rights to Republican sloganeers trying to promote George W. Bush as the "compassionate conservative."

 

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