For the week of October 22 - 28, 2003

Double-bubble speak awareness week

Commentary by Betty Bell

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"So, Betty, what’s your recipe for longevity?" George’s face was guileless, but what did he mean by longevity? I’m at the high end of prime mid-life—months away from even turning 80. But I didn’t tell George "go count migrating geese," instead I answered in double-bubble speak—the tells-you-nothing jargon that passes as discourse.

"Well, that’s a good question," I said. I could just as well have said "That’s a very good question," either reply allowing me enough time to send my neurons zipping up and down and left and right and hither and yon to grab the answer George was angling for—a little something he could latch onto for use in his far-off future.

"George," I said, "no doubt about it, I owe my longevity to a serious life-long commitment to burning my candle at both ends. You, of all people, George, know that burning your candle at both ends leaves your middle really strong, really durable."

George beamed at affirmation that his life in the passing lane was exactly where he belonged.

Maybe you haven’t picked up on this answering a question by first complementing its astuteness, and if you haven’t it’ll be distressing news ... from now on you’ll be grippingly aware of it. From now on, all day, every day, you’ll count every "that’s a good question" you hear. And yes it’s a drag, but it’s worse if you keep weekly and monthly totals as I did at first. It’s wonderful to be past that now and just let the numbers go at the end of the day. My highest-ever one-day count was 17, and I’m never going to try to better it—there’s plenty of other cranial clutter vying for space.

Another double-bubble speak phenomenon that you’re probably at least sub-consciously aware of is the official, designated, front-and-center "Soother and Smoother," the marvelous new career niche for women. Sometime soon, probably today, you’ll turn on the tube and see a woman whose sole duty is to allay your fears and correct your misconceptions about the Corporate Malfeasance of the Day. It’s up to her to convince you that the charge is inappropriate, politically motivated, and patently false. But her mere appearance is the tip-off, a dead give-away that the charge is true and quite likely worse than you know. Otherwise the CEO, or General Such & Such, or whomever the honcho before whom the buck deservedly should stop, would make the case himself. Today’s S&S is the much needed spinner of last resort that corporate and government mess-makers rely on to pluck them from the muck.

Can’t you just hear some CEO at a cozy power lunch? "Give the gals a chance," he says. "It doesn’t go down like sugar when we personally try to squirm out of our messes—we’re so, you know, commanding, and all," (appreciative laughter around the table)—but that’s how we got here, hey boys? So we need those little gals up front."

A Soother and Smoother is never introduced by her work as cover-up girl, but as a company representative. But no matter her title, her job is to put the best possible spin on corporate/government malfeasance … mismanagement … mishandling … misconduct … wrong--or evil doing.

Among the S&Ss I’m familiar with, a couple stand out. After the Supreme Court’s decision to allow medical marijuana, Dr. Andrea Barthwell made the case that the ruling was horribly misguided since the government’s obsessive fear that the use of medical marijuana is the direct route to the road to perdition is right-on. And a few days ago, a competent Wendy Hall, quoted in the New York Times, tried to S&S away the revelation that while Halliburton tries to repair Iraq’s oil infrastructure, they’re also gouging taxpayers on gas they have to import until it’s fixed. The Corp of Engineers paid Halliburton $304,486,577 for 191,985,150 gallons of gas, an overcharge of 60 plus cents a gallon. My calculator battery’s dead, so I don’t know how many dollars that comes to, but I know it’s a generous tithe. Where’s the incentive for Halliburton to get on the ball and fix things?

It’s probably just a wild hair that’s tickling me to make a big-time career change. I think I should start a classy Soother and Smoother school because the need’s there and the market’s hot. I’d sell franchises and I’d offer correspondence courses, and I’d be a hands-on CEO. As a student neared graduation, she’d have to appear before me—the chairman of the board so I could pass on her manner and appearance--it’s a no-brainer that appearance is the big thing in S&S work.

An S&S has to be attractive in a reassuring way—if Ann Coulter, for instance, tried to make a living as an S&S, she’d end up on food stamps. Sure she’s attractive, but way too predatory, don’t you agree? I’d look for S&Ss in the Sarah Lee image … impeccably dressed but never chic. And not under-nourished looking either. Prime time S&Ss wear suits with soft lapels and gentle folds, and they never wear them over starched and pointy-collared blouses. The power-shirt look might help poor thing lunging to grab a hold of the corporate ladder, but not for the S&S. Nope, gauzy turtlenecks with floppy collars nicely compliment the traditional-looking necklaces that seem basic to the S&S wardrobe--pearly strands that look as though they were been passed along by the great-great grandmothers of Daughters of the Revolution.

Yep, an S&S school sounds like a good fit for me. And it’s no stretch at all, then, to visualize my catapult straight into the nether world of exorbitant CEO pay.

So…any questions? What’s that?

You say you never see an S&S fronting for John Ashcroft, and you’re asking if that’s because he’s absolutely always right--or because, actually, he’s merely insufferably arrogant?

Well that’s a good question, pilgrim. That’s a very good question.

 

 

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