For the week of July 16 - 22, 2003

12 rules for
valley driving

---

It’s plain to see. The rules of driving in Blaine County aren’t the same as they are in the rest of the nation. The rules don’t remotely resemble anything in the Idaho Driver’s Manual.

So, for the unsuspecting who may visit the Wood River Valley expecting the rules of the road to be the same as the ones they studied in driver’s ed, here’s an underground guide to summer driving survival in Blaine County.

There’s a single exception to the following rules. It’s Bellevue.

The city that is much maligned as a speed trap is probably the safest place to drive in the valley. Its reputation for tough enforcement has put the fear of tickets into drivers. Even flagrant violators who approach the town at mach speed, suddenly remember it’s time to pay attention when they hit the city limits.

Elsewhere:

1. Never go the speed limit, go over it. Life is short. It shouldn’t be wasted in traffic.

2. Tonnage rights always trump rights of way. After all, driving is like poker, a sport in which a strong bluff is better than a strong hand. The bigger the rig, the fewer laws the driver has to obey. Smaller vehicles will challenge at their peril.

3. A car turning left at a stoplight has the right of way and may drive in front of the oncoming car—as long as the turning vehicle weighs more than the oncoming car. This is also known as the rule of the jungle.

4. Never stop at a stop sign unless a police officer is watching. This will soon convince the cities that spending on the big red signs is a waste of tax dollars. The signs, annoying wastes of time for drivers, will disappear when public officials realize the benefits of total anarchy on the street.

5. Never, never, never allow another vehicle to merge in front of the vehicle you are driving. It’s a sign of weakness. If another car attempts to merge where two lanes turn to one, try to run them off the road. They’ll brake and give way—guaranteed.

6. Always drive with one hand. Keep the other to glue the cell phone to your ear. A cell phone glued to your ear lets other drivers know that your time is more valuable than their time and that they should clear the road. You’ll get the respect you deserve.

7. If No. 6 doesn’t give you at least a mile of open road in front of you, tailgate. Rush up (speeding is fine) to the vehicle in front, take a position about four feet off the offender’s bumper and stay there. Ignore the sight of bulging eyes that you will see in their rearview mirror. Punish ’em with fear. After all, someone has to teach other drivers the rules.

8. Tailgate even in single no-passing lanes. There’s no better way to tell the vehicle in front of you that it is taking up the space that you deserve.

9. For real thrills, tailgate in groups of six or eight. Find out whose reflexes are the best—and the worst.

10. Feel free to make up your own rules of the road—and enforce them. Decide one day that the speed limit on all single-lane stretches of highway should be 10 miles under the speed limit. Refuse to budge. If others try to pass, utilize swerving maneuvers to make them obey. Decide the next day that all through streets should be stop streets. Others will appreciate your creativity and the challenge of figuring out what rule you have in effect today.

11. Pretend you can’t see anything around you on the road. Always look steadfastly ahead as though a steel rod through your spine keeps your head and eyes from swiveling. Ignore all hand and arm waving by the uninitiated, especially pedestrians walking strollers in crosswalks in Hailey. At four-way stops, this technique will allow you to cross first—no matter which vehicle has the right of way.

12. Call state legislators on your cell phone while driving. Urge them to keep the lid on state and local taxes because otherwise government officials would be tempted to hire more police officers to enforce the traffic laws in the driving manuals. Blaine County traditions could be wiped out in one fell swoop and its unique attraction to heedless drivers would disappear.

Drivers should tape the 12 Rules to the dashboard lest they forget them (the same way they forgot drivers ed) and find themselves confused by the SUVs pasted to their bumpers as they travel down the highway some fine day.

The final important thing to remember: The 12 rules only apply in Blaine County. Somewhere beyond Timmerman Hill, drivers who use the rules get traffic citations.

 

The Idaho Mountain Express is distributed free to residents and guests throughout the Sun Valley, Idaho resort area community. Subscribers to the Idaho Mountain Express will read these stories and others in this week's issue.