A list for Santa
Dear Santa:
There are a lot of people out there who
could use a little of your magic.
We know the little ones have first dibs on
your time, but if you have a little extra magic this Christmas, there are
a few special gifts that are crying out for special delivery next week:
For every U.S. household: Two weeks
of election-free programming and news stories.
For Florida: A new voting system
that will relegate Swinging Chads to Palm Beach night clubs and return
dimples to something found only in the smiles of children.
For Blaine County, Idaho: The same.
After all, it has the same system as Florida. Recount, anyone?
For The Miami Herald: A big
gift bag full of the ballots rejected by counting machines in Florida,
enough people to count them and the ink to tell the country who really won
the election.
For the Florida Legislature: Flaming
speeches by the Rev. Jesse Jackson until it cleans up its states’
voter-rights violations.
For the U.S. Supreme Court: New
digital watches with date functions so the justices know what month and
day it is outside the hallowed chambers, and calendars on which they may
write down statutory deadlines before they stop any future vote recounts.
For President-elect George Bush: New
golf clubs, a subscription to Foreign Affairs and advisors who will
explain to him the difference between his vote total and a mandate.
For Vice President Al Gore: A video
of the three presidential debates to help him identify all the
personalities warring to control his body.
For President Clinton: A new
computer with electronic Solitaire, a subscription to Playboy and
paintings of all the great areas he protected as president.
For Hilary Clinton: A pair of
knee-high cowboy boots for negotiating the new landscape in the U.S.
Senate
For environmentalists: Flack jackets—need
we explain?
For retirees on Social Security: A
case of crash helmets.
For Big Business: Plenty of confetti
for the New Year celebration
For Florida Republican demonstrators:
A new dictionary with the definition of just one word: Oxymoron.
For Idaho Republicans: A new
dictionary that contains the definition of only one word: Humility
For Idaho Democrats: Federal listing
as an endangered species and a recovery plan.
For everyone else: A stocking full
of Christmas cheer.
